Another Mortal Life

You're Siddhartha!
by Hermann Hesse

You simply don't know what to believe, but you're willing to try anything once. Western values, Eastern values, hedonism and minimalism, you've spent some time in every camp. But you still don't have any idea what camp you belong in. This makes you an individualist of the highest order, but also really lonely. It's time to chill out under a tree. And realize that at least you believe in ferries.


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Life wants me to make decisions these days. And I want to run away from them.. and therefore I try running away from life too. But I know it won't let me have my ways for ever. I know the procrastination must be given up sooner or later.

The truth is I don't want to face it. I don't want to give up one thing for the other. I want to have it all. But life moves on the wheels of decisions. And while the inevitability of the decisions gets clearer more than ever before, I would put a piece of cotton in my ears and tuck my face in some novel or magazine. Then after an hour or so I would play the music loud enough to deafen myself. The truth is I don't want to hear the life calling.

And I've discovered many silly, awkward, stupid ways for it. I would read my yesteryears' poetry and make changes to it. I would play silly games of cards with friends. I would write and publish posts on the blog and then would weigh their silliness quotient and would finally remove them. Or I would write and never publish. I'd engage in terribly stupid online chats with some of my friends though many of them are staying only metres away, and even for those who aren't near I know I should better call them. I fear phone calls these days. It seems as if some extraordinarily inconvenient questions might come up from the other side which would be quite difficult to ignore on phone. It's so easy to change subjects on internet. You get time to think and give some politically correct answers. I hate it. I hate using internet to hide myself. I hate hiding myself. One can't win through without facing things.

One of the resolutions made with the start of this new blog was not to delve in the past, which effectively means talking about the future, the career, about shaping your life. But I forgot that exclusion of past doesn't only leave the future to be talked about but also the present. And the present is in disarray. And the fault is all mine. I 've been devoting my time in things very inconsequential in life.

It's time. It's time to follow the dreams. It's time to love my own shadow. It's time to make decisions. It's time to stop ranting. (And I know this may be the 100th time I say that.)

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Once in a week
I let myself click
your profile.

And I see there a pic
of you dressed in pink
And I smile.

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It's pure.. it's calm.. it's divine..
Nay.. this shadow ain't mine.

It's dark..
but it doesn't breathe the darkness inside.
It knows good from bad..
It gives itself away for the light.

It knows friends from foes..
It hides itself when the darkness is around.
Light is what made it exist..
By light only it loves to be bound.

It feels guilty for the darkness that exists within
So it never looks the sun in its eye.
And while I enjoy the rain falling on my head
It tries ablution in the water accumulating by.

It's pure.. it's calm.. it's divine..
Nah.. nay.. this shadow ain't mine.

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I am putting my thoughts in order
Lest the world dubs me insane.

In the night I try to dream my dreams
'cause they say day-dreams never come true.

And I'm holding some of them deep inside
For the time isn't ripe to dream them yet
.......................


(I angered somebody but now I don't give a damn
For fault wasn't all mine, I didn't get to explain.

I've been at the receiving end of belligerence
But I've been calm for the sake of friendship.)

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