Another Mortal Life

We'd had a falling-out. This was quite a long time back. I thought of a patch-up. Thought of a word or two. We were friends after all.

I clicked the orkut profile. Clicked 'add as a friend'.. the word verification page stared at me with: "R u Sure".

Moments won't die. Sometimes I think they are the building blocks of life or time in some Daltonian-ish theory. And some moments must be radioactive. Something totally changes in a fraction of a second, and forever.

I am disintegrating. But it's slow. Defining moments in my life are few. The fractions of second that change everything are rare. I am no masochist but something makes me feel I don't mind it all. Subconsciously I know it's nothing but helplessness, which is just another name for cowardice. 'I-don't-mind-it' sounds brave; don't tell me it doesn't.

What would be left of me in the end, I don't know. Moreover I am not gonna reach that end state any time soon. Wait, who am I reacting against? Don't know. Seems to be some minute little insignificant things.

Can I have a choice to start all over again? Can't the disintegration be fast? Oh, there.. I sound suicidal. But I'm not. I just want to start afresh. I want to feel every bit of me changed all of a sudden, for once, and not in the fashion of being left to brood over moments that catch me off guard every once in a while. What does it take? Apocalypse?

I don't make sense. But I am not drunk. That is even worse.

I had thought of letting my blog rest for the rest of this semester (and I was actually living up to such a decision for the first time!), but Phoenix bola "Thoda aur chalega" , and Taps seconded her. Bole to I'm tagged!
The rules (jo ki bataate hain 'simple' hain, khakh simple hain! I couldn't adhere to the add-adjective-format despite trying to.) of the tag can be read here.
So, here goes the greed list..:-

1. My hazy poems (Vibhav gave them this name, and it kinda describes them pretty well.), writing which really satisfies me... I wish that the possibilities that my poems sometimes talk of actually came true.

2. Having (though few, but) very good friends... I wish the few people whom I consider very good friends of mine considered me an equally important part of their lives too, or at least they didn't let me know if they don't.

3. Making some occasional sarcastic/funny comments in a group of friends and keeping silent for the rest of the time (Jai, of 'Sholay', has always been the character I liked the most, you know)... I wish I were able to start/continue a conversation with a single person as easily as I do in a group of friends. [Though I would like to mention that more than a couple of ladies have found my voice lovely (sexy?) in a I-mean-it tone. That means if your voice trembles, women find it lovely :P]

4. My well structured (:P) comments on Sagar's and Taru's blogs... I wish that those of my comments which I expect to be replied were replied [:P]

5. Dad, whom I love for the absolute freedom he has always allowed me... I wish dad had exercised some control over my ways, made decisions for me, at least once in a while (though only very rarely). [You know, Absolute freedom spoils absolutely.]

I held the air tight inside my lungs
As if the air that was outside
Had already abandoned me.
As if that was the last bit
I was going to get of it.

But this air could support life
Only for a short while.
I needed fresh air, badly.
And all around me was fear.
I had no choice but to inhale it.

It didn't need space in lungs,
But mind.
Or maybe the soul.
I let it into me, bit by bit,
with every word of that voice.

I didn't breathe,
I survived on fear.
The voice seemed to melt,
But then it chose to only fade,
Gradually distancing itself from me.

(I could've done something.
I should have done something.
But I faltered.)

The air appeared to be friendly again,
And so I exhaled into it the fear.
Little did I know then,
That it was my relief.
And I had disowned it so quickly,
With such an indifference that day,
That it still denies itself to me.

(The voice took a form,
a couple of times more.
But never again did it seem to melt,
unlike mentioned afore.)

"The Nobel committee regrets not giving the Peace Prize to Gandhi"

- Funny! When will they understand that that man was much bigger than their award. If there is anything they should say, it is that they missed an opportunity to honor the Prize itself.